The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.

There is a never ending cycle of life that continues to go on no matter how hard you wish to god it would stop.  Things will always be born and things will always die.  There is never "the right time" for either and we are never fully prepared.  
I find myself in a state that has kept my here.  Here in my melancholy state of absence.   I am a force of nothing. I am no beacon of hope or love.  I am no bearer of fear of hate.  What am I?  The hole that develops in a person, more specifically me, gets to a point that it takes over.  I am not a shell but I am no longer myself.  It is weird having to put effort in being a part of your own life.

Losing my mind

I have tried to withdraw from the things that make me think of all I have lost and have had to endure in 9 months.  Needless to say it has failed miserably.  I carry so much in my heart that I do not need anything to remind me of my own personal hell. 
It makes me sad to admit it, but I have fallen apart.  I wish with all of my being that I had it in me to go back to the way I was and felt before December.  I don't even think I can remember what it felt like not to have this sadness that I carry around now.  I am a shell of myself.  I was picking up the pieces of my life when it started all over again.  Now, it feels like I can't even find the pieces of myself much less the life I had.
My darling little angel was due this Saturday.  The closer it gets the more I lose my composure.  I can't even pretend to be ok anymore.  What is the point?  Just the thought of everything that I lost, made me break down last night.  Two hours of hysterics of a child I never even saw or felt.  I don't want to feel this sadness and despair anymore but now consuming my being everyday.  I have lost hope in everything.

Thinking it out

While shuffling through my day at home, I realized that my emotional baggage is weighing me down.  There is so much to life that I can find joy in.  There are things that make me happy and fulfilled. Yes, wanting a child is something that is overwhelming at the moment.  But ever since I have felt that loss, I am obsessed with it.  I see a child/pregnant woman and I am filled with overwhelming sadness or psychotic anger.  While I believe in the mantra "I am not mad at them, but just sad for myself", I also think that on some level anyone who thinks that is kidding themselves.  We are mad that they have what we want.  We are jealous.
I am tired of being that woman.  I have had my time to wallow.  I have been is a perpetual state of misery for months now.  I need more than anything to remember that for everything there is a season.  I may be in a winter, but soon the spring will come.

Lets start to get this out

There has to be a limit of trials that you go through.  I have lost what I feel was the last bit of my sanity when they turned me into ceviche.  Or maybe it wasn't even my sanity, but hope that was stolen from me and my inability to change anything is what makes me feel insane.
On Saturday I had hope that I would soon be at zero and we be able to get things going so we could finally expand our family.  On Monday, I was trying to find optimism in my worst nightmare.
My right tube held the ectopic that we could never find with any ultrasound.  We did everything they asked us to avoid that exact situation but it came anyway.  I was in the ER Saturday night and admitted for observation in the early hours of Monday.  My levels continued to drop until my last blood draw.  It went up a tiny bit and my shoulder began to hurt through the morphine.  I knew then, before any doctor told me, that this day would not end with me going home to a happily ever after.  The Dr came in and explained it to my family and I just sat there  praying for it to be in my tummy somewhere. When they went in they found a liter of blood in my abdomen and my tube ripped open.    They took it.  They took what I thought was my "good tube".  She then ran a dye test on my left tube.  There was scar tissue from my last surgery (that was only 7 months ago) that is blocking that tube.
Two options remain for me.  Two options to carry my own child.  One is another surgery to try and repair my tube, but I will not not the details on that till my post op.  The other is in vitro. How am I going to find that much money to try and conceive a child?  While I have been dealing with this well so far, I feel all of these emotions coming to the surface.  I wish I could hide from everything.

How do downed in air?

I don't think anyone sees it coming.  That false sense of sanity and acceptance was something that I had faith in.  It made me believe that because I had a plan and an outlook for the future that it was all OK.  I have had bad moments and difficult days, but not the loss of stability I have been going through.  I have a hard time putting into words the chaos that I feel my life is in.  I feel like every time I breath in the weight of everything that has/is going on compresses my being.  The weight of it all makes me unable to keep breathing.
I wish that the loss of that little something was the only thing weighing on my mind.  I hate feeling like I have spent so much of my life in a perpetual downward slide.  Perpetual slide may be a bit of an over statement, but it feels like the moment you dig out you find that something else has buried you.  I can deal with my dysfunctional reproductive system, but that really should all I have to.  I know that is life.  There is no escaping it, but I find myself with the guilt that my husband horse is hitched to a wagon with square wheels.  He is the only thing that has been holding me together.  He does not have to, but he does.  Why does such a loving strong man want to spend eternity stuck with me?
My darling husband sat next to me while I had my little meltdown and was so calm and loving.  He cared without fully understanding the chaos I had engulfed myself in.  He made me realize that we always were going  to be stronger together than we are apart.  His faith in us gives me hope in our future.  While today me suck, there is always tomorrow.
Here is to tomorrow.

PS: More blood work tomorrow.   wohoo?

Whatever may come I am not alone

My husband bears the burden of our trials so well, I sometimes forget that he is going through this too.  He is so supportive that I am in awe of his love and strength.  I know that he is not dealing with his pain out loud because he is too busy taking care of me.  He tries to hard to keep me busy and not let me drowned.  This time it is not the grief, but the anger that seems to be taking over me.  I have so much support that talking about is coming easy.  All of my coworkers know and I talk about it at will at work.  My family all know and check on me often.  In the past, I hid it all away.  That caused me so much pain, because I thought that everyone forgot what we lost and never cared to begin with. I realize now if you are not willing to bring it up, no one else will either.   If I own my love and happiness, I should own my pain and grief in the same way.

Survived week one (again)

I took all of last week off to heal my wounded heart.  My betas only went up to 6500 and they knew that it was another ectopic. The decision to take the shots were the hardest part.  While I knew I had the
"choice", we knew there was no other option.  To wait and see (which was what I wanted to do more than anything), would not have only risked my future fertility but also my life.  That was not an experience that I was ready to relive. Physically this has been easy, too easy.  Part of me wanted physical pain to match the way the rest of me felt.  

I have spent the past week avoiding myself.  I have talked about it, but every other moment I have had, I spent avoiding it.  I have cleaned this place top to bottom and rearranged a couple of rooms.  I know why I am doing this, but I also know I can only run for so long.  Tomorrow I have work, which I am dreading.  I have to come up with an explanation as to why I am not still in training and I am at the point that I don't want to avoid it or lie.  If I did, the only people that I would be protecting is everyone else.  So THEY don't have to be uncomfortable? I can't think of any other reason.    

So, I take another step forward in this journey not knowing where it may lead.  I hope peace comes soon to me and my wonderful husband.  

FX for low betas on Tuesday and a plan next Monday.  

I still don't belong

I have found support in the past in a place that I visit daily. I love the women there and I know that they all would understand where I am coming from, but I feel like I should not be there.  I am not TTCAL or in the middle of my loss because it has not happened yet.  I don't feel that I can graduate, because at any moment I will have to leave.  I hate that I feel lost in a place that has been such a source of comfort and strength.  What is strange is I am not sure anyone really has noticed I have been "gone".
The results of my last blood test has not brought us any comfort.   It went from 4300 to 5300.  This caused them to pull myself out of training for more blood tests and to meet with the on call OB.  She wants me to have that d@mn shot.  We agreed to give it one more day, but she will not let me wait to come in on Thursday when I have an ultrasound scheduled.  I know that there is little to no hope that my betas will have doubled and that there is no other option at that point, but this is my last second Hail Mary.
I don't want to have to say goodbye to another LO.  I am not sure I have it in me.

Fear of Monday.

This morning I could not wait for tomorrow to come.  I spent the night dreaming of what could be.  I have tried to hold on to those feelings and hope all weekend, but now I feel the fear and sorrow setting in.  I have hoped and prayed that we will get good news, but there is part of me that I am not so sure.  I will fall asleep knowing I will wake up in the morning getting information that will give me the highest high or the lowest low...and then I have to go to work.

Details Details

I got my #s back from my first betas.  The news was not good.  I was in the 4300s.  This is way too high because of how far along they think I am and the fact that we could not see anything on the ultrasound.  It is most likely an ectopic or miscarriage.  My doctor wants me to treat myself like I am still KU because she thinks it is possible that my #s are high because off something like multiples.  It is a shot in the dark, but how exciting would that be.  I will not know for sure until Monday.

The Confusion Continues

My doctors appointment did not go as planned.  This actually might be the understatement of the century.
The good news is I have two of the most amazing doctors in the world who are being caring and very proactive.   While going over all of my bleeding issues this last month, I took a test.  It was positive.  I have had betas drawn and an ultrasound ordered across town with another doctor.  The bad news is we could not find anything except a possible cyst on my ovary when we did the ultrasound.  My Doc is thinking that it is just to early to see anything yet, so I am going back next Thursday for another check in there.  I have to have more blood work done on Saturday, and I am praying that I will hear about some doubling action.
There are three options at this point. 1.It is to early to see anything  2.I have had a miscarriage 3.I have an ectopic.  I am hoping for 1, but preparing for 3.  I just hope that my patience/faith holds out over the weekend.

Where has 6 months gone

In so many ways this last 6 months have flown by, but looking through the time in with my grief tinted glasses it seems like so much longer.  I had to say goodbye to my angel exactly 6 months ago.  For the life of me, I can't figure out where the time has gone.  I try to be greatful that I get to have my adoring husband to myself, but I feel so guilty that my husbands house is empty.  I try to fill everything in his life with joy, but in that aspect of our lives I have brought him nothing but grief.  I have found a way to live with my sadness for myself, but I don't think I will ever be able to stop feeling guilt over my lack of baby making awesomeness.
To make things worse, I made an appointment with my lady Dr and I have such a bad feeling that I will not be getting any good news.  I have been up since my honey went to work at 5.  5am!?!!?!?  I don't see that time of day for a reason.  I like my sleep.   Hmmm...We will see what happens.

The Rapture

I was hoping that the death of Macho Man Randy Savage was the sign that The Rapture was going to actually go down today.  Now I know what you are thinking, that is crazy and the death of an icon like MMRS would not have anything to do with all of this craziness and why would you want this to happen?  Well that is simple, I was hoping that this might start the Zombie Apocalypse. But now that I am sitting here at 7:40pm, I am just saddened that MMRS is gone and I have to live another day without the fear that something wants to eat my brains.  

At least I have had a lot of good laughs over this and I know that the CDC is still on my side.

http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp?s_cid=emergency_004

May=No training and little hope for BFP

I was so excited for this month.  I was going to start training for my new position and I was sure that this would be a BFP month.  Now that this month is half over with  I find that myself still in my old position and still trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my cycle.  

The deal with work is that they decided that I was going to have to wait a month for some crappy reason.  I am still not sure 100% why, but all I know is that means that I am stuck for another 3 weeks and I lost my office.  If I would have started this month I would have a nice quiet piece of heaven.  

Now to my cracked out cycle. (Yes, this is the technical term for it)  For the past 3 days I have been playing host to what seems to be Aunt Flo.  The problem is she is an IMPOSTER!  The reason I know this is AF came to visit on the 4th and left on the 8th.  She is a shrew, but I know she wouldn't come back 3 days later.  Why is now the question that I am facing.  If this continues this weekend I am going to break down and schedule and appointment with someone...but who is the question. 

That reminds me I need to schedule an eye exam. Crap.     

Two roses

While waiting in the car with my two wonderful furbabies for the moments to pass by quickly so I could come home and Mother Day to be over, my husband steps into my car with tears in his eyes.  He kisses me and tells me that he is sorry that they are not here to say it, but he knows that our babies would wish me a happy Mothers Day.  With these huge tears streaming down his face, he pulls two beautiful yellow roses with pink tips out of no where.  He wanted to find two white roses.  Two white roses to represent "perfect souls".  I haven't seen my husband cry like that since the day I almost died...but that is a story for another day.  

I love this man so much

My husband never ceases to amaze me.  He faces the fact that he does not understand my attachment to my girls on TB and the grief that I feel, but he still supports every me at every step.  He woke up this morning and stayed in bed with me for hours because I did not want to get out of bed.  He played and acted goofy all morning to make me feel better.  When I finally got out of bed, he made me breakfast while I relaxed in the living room. I also am happy that he never once told me that I had to get dressed.
I am thankful I have such a great man to be by my side for the rest of my life.

May 1st

International Babylost Mothers day is today.  It is a day for us mothers that have loved their children but had to go through the pain of losing them.  We remember each other and our little ones, even though the world has forgotten.  

I am wanting to find peace and some sort of happiness in this week.  I know that the days between now and Mothers day will be trying at best. 

Moment of Clarity?

I feel like there are times that I understand life, but a moment later I come to the realization that I don't have a clue.  I am hoping that if I find those tiny moments and keep them together then wont get lonely, and maybe just maybe they will multiply. 

With this first step, I promise I will not deceive myself and the void. 

Goodnight void.