While shuffling through my day at home, I realized that my emotional baggage is weighing me down. There is so much to life that I can find joy in. There are things that make me happy and fulfilled. Yes, wanting a child is something that is overwhelming at the moment. But ever since I have felt that loss, I am obsessed with it. I see a child/pregnant woman and I am filled with overwhelming sadness or psychotic anger. While I believe in the mantra "I am not mad at them, but just sad for myself", I also think that on some level anyone who thinks that is kidding themselves. We are mad that they have what we want. We are jealous.
I am tired of being that woman. I have had my time to wallow. I have been is a perpetual state of misery for months now. I need more than anything to remember that for everything there is a season. I may be in a winter, but soon the spring will come.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Lets start to get this out
There has to be a limit of trials that you go through. I have lost what I feel was the last bit of my sanity when they turned me into ceviche. Or maybe it wasn't even my sanity, but hope that was stolen from me and my inability to change anything is what makes me feel insane.
On Saturday I had hope that I would soon be at zero and we be able to get things going so we could finally expand our family. On Monday, I was trying to find optimism in my worst nightmare.
My right tube held the ectopic that we could never find with any ultrasound. We did everything they asked us to avoid that exact situation but it came anyway. I was in the ER Saturday night and admitted for observation in the early hours of Monday. My levels continued to drop until my last blood draw. It went up a tiny bit and my shoulder began to hurt through the morphine. I knew then, before any doctor told me, that this day would not end with me going home to a happily ever after. The Dr came in and explained it to my family and I just sat there praying for it to be in my tummy somewhere. When they went in they found a liter of blood in my abdomen and my tube ripped open. They took it. They took what I thought was my "good tube". She then ran a dye test on my left tube. There was scar tissue from my last surgery (that was only 7 months ago) that is blocking that tube.
Two options remain for me. Two options to carry my own child. One is another surgery to try and repair my tube, but I will not not the details on that till my post op. The other is in vitro. How am I going to find that much money to try and conceive a child? While I have been dealing with this well so far, I feel all of these emotions coming to the surface. I wish I could hide from everything.
On Saturday I had hope that I would soon be at zero and we be able to get things going so we could finally expand our family. On Monday, I was trying to find optimism in my worst nightmare.
My right tube held the ectopic that we could never find with any ultrasound. We did everything they asked us to avoid that exact situation but it came anyway. I was in the ER Saturday night and admitted for observation in the early hours of Monday. My levels continued to drop until my last blood draw. It went up a tiny bit and my shoulder began to hurt through the morphine. I knew then, before any doctor told me, that this day would not end with me going home to a happily ever after. The Dr came in and explained it to my family and I just sat there praying for it to be in my tummy somewhere. When they went in they found a liter of blood in my abdomen and my tube ripped open. They took it. They took what I thought was my "good tube". She then ran a dye test on my left tube. There was scar tissue from my last surgery (that was only 7 months ago) that is blocking that tube.
Two options remain for me. Two options to carry my own child. One is another surgery to try and repair my tube, but I will not not the details on that till my post op. The other is in vitro. How am I going to find that much money to try and conceive a child? While I have been dealing with this well so far, I feel all of these emotions coming to the surface. I wish I could hide from everything.
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