How do downed in air?

I don't think anyone sees it coming.  That false sense of sanity and acceptance was something that I had faith in.  It made me believe that because I had a plan and an outlook for the future that it was all OK.  I have had bad moments and difficult days, but not the loss of stability I have been going through.  I have a hard time putting into words the chaos that I feel my life is in.  I feel like every time I breath in the weight of everything that has/is going on compresses my being.  The weight of it all makes me unable to keep breathing.
I wish that the loss of that little something was the only thing weighing on my mind.  I hate feeling like I have spent so much of my life in a perpetual downward slide.  Perpetual slide may be a bit of an over statement, but it feels like the moment you dig out you find that something else has buried you.  I can deal with my dysfunctional reproductive system, but that really should all I have to.  I know that is life.  There is no escaping it, but I find myself with the guilt that my husband horse is hitched to a wagon with square wheels.  He is the only thing that has been holding me together.  He does not have to, but he does.  Why does such a loving strong man want to spend eternity stuck with me?
My darling husband sat next to me while I had my little meltdown and was so calm and loving.  He cared without fully understanding the chaos I had engulfed myself in.  He made me realize that we always were going  to be stronger together than we are apart.  His faith in us gives me hope in our future.  While today me suck, there is always tomorrow.
Here is to tomorrow.

PS: More blood work tomorrow.   wohoo?

Whatever may come I am not alone

My husband bears the burden of our trials so well, I sometimes forget that he is going through this too.  He is so supportive that I am in awe of his love and strength.  I know that he is not dealing with his pain out loud because he is too busy taking care of me.  He tries to hard to keep me busy and not let me drowned.  This time it is not the grief, but the anger that seems to be taking over me.  I have so much support that talking about is coming easy.  All of my coworkers know and I talk about it at will at work.  My family all know and check on me often.  In the past, I hid it all away.  That caused me so much pain, because I thought that everyone forgot what we lost and never cared to begin with. I realize now if you are not willing to bring it up, no one else will either.   If I own my love and happiness, I should own my pain and grief in the same way.

Survived week one (again)

I took all of last week off to heal my wounded heart.  My betas only went up to 6500 and they knew that it was another ectopic. The decision to take the shots were the hardest part.  While I knew I had the
"choice", we knew there was no other option.  To wait and see (which was what I wanted to do more than anything), would not have only risked my future fertility but also my life.  That was not an experience that I was ready to relive. Physically this has been easy, too easy.  Part of me wanted physical pain to match the way the rest of me felt.  

I have spent the past week avoiding myself.  I have talked about it, but every other moment I have had, I spent avoiding it.  I have cleaned this place top to bottom and rearranged a couple of rooms.  I know why I am doing this, but I also know I can only run for so long.  Tomorrow I have work, which I am dreading.  I have to come up with an explanation as to why I am not still in training and I am at the point that I don't want to avoid it or lie.  If I did, the only people that I would be protecting is everyone else.  So THEY don't have to be uncomfortable? I can't think of any other reason.    

So, I take another step forward in this journey not knowing where it may lead.  I hope peace comes soon to me and my wonderful husband.  

FX for low betas on Tuesday and a plan next Monday.  

I still don't belong

I have found support in the past in a place that I visit daily. I love the women there and I know that they all would understand where I am coming from, but I feel like I should not be there.  I am not TTCAL or in the middle of my loss because it has not happened yet.  I don't feel that I can graduate, because at any moment I will have to leave.  I hate that I feel lost in a place that has been such a source of comfort and strength.  What is strange is I am not sure anyone really has noticed I have been "gone".
The results of my last blood test has not brought us any comfort.   It went from 4300 to 5300.  This caused them to pull myself out of training for more blood tests and to meet with the on call OB.  She wants me to have that d@mn shot.  We agreed to give it one more day, but she will not let me wait to come in on Thursday when I have an ultrasound scheduled.  I know that there is little to no hope that my betas will have doubled and that there is no other option at that point, but this is my last second Hail Mary.
I don't want to have to say goodbye to another LO.  I am not sure I have it in me.

Fear of Monday.

This morning I could not wait for tomorrow to come.  I spent the night dreaming of what could be.  I have tried to hold on to those feelings and hope all weekend, but now I feel the fear and sorrow setting in.  I have hoped and prayed that we will get good news, but there is part of me that I am not so sure.  I will fall asleep knowing I will wake up in the morning getting information that will give me the highest high or the lowest low...and then I have to go to work.

Details Details

I got my #s back from my first betas.  The news was not good.  I was in the 4300s.  This is way too high because of how far along they think I am and the fact that we could not see anything on the ultrasound.  It is most likely an ectopic or miscarriage.  My doctor wants me to treat myself like I am still KU because she thinks it is possible that my #s are high because off something like multiples.  It is a shot in the dark, but how exciting would that be.  I will not know for sure until Monday.

The Confusion Continues

My doctors appointment did not go as planned.  This actually might be the understatement of the century.
The good news is I have two of the most amazing doctors in the world who are being caring and very proactive.   While going over all of my bleeding issues this last month, I took a test.  It was positive.  I have had betas drawn and an ultrasound ordered across town with another doctor.  The bad news is we could not find anything except a possible cyst on my ovary when we did the ultrasound.  My Doc is thinking that it is just to early to see anything yet, so I am going back next Thursday for another check in there.  I have to have more blood work done on Saturday, and I am praying that I will hear about some doubling action.
There are three options at this point. 1.It is to early to see anything  2.I have had a miscarriage 3.I have an ectopic.  I am hoping for 1, but preparing for 3.  I just hope that my patience/faith holds out over the weekend.

Where has 6 months gone

In so many ways this last 6 months have flown by, but looking through the time in with my grief tinted glasses it seems like so much longer.  I had to say goodbye to my angel exactly 6 months ago.  For the life of me, I can't figure out where the time has gone.  I try to be greatful that I get to have my adoring husband to myself, but I feel so guilty that my husbands house is empty.  I try to fill everything in his life with joy, but in that aspect of our lives I have brought him nothing but grief.  I have found a way to live with my sadness for myself, but I don't think I will ever be able to stop feeling guilt over my lack of baby making awesomeness.
To make things worse, I made an appointment with my lady Dr and I have such a bad feeling that I will not be getting any good news.  I have been up since my honey went to work at 5.  5am!?!!?!?  I don't see that time of day for a reason.  I like my sleep.   Hmmm...We will see what happens.