I have tried to withdraw from the things that make me think of all I have lost and have had to endure in 9 months. Needless to say it has failed miserably. I carry so much in my heart that I do not need anything to remind me of my own personal hell.
It makes me sad to admit it, but I have fallen apart. I wish with all of my being that I had it in me to go back to the way I was and felt before December. I don't even think I can remember what it felt like not to have this sadness that I carry around now. I am a shell of myself. I was picking up the pieces of my life when it started all over again. Now, it feels like I can't even find the pieces of myself much less the life I had.
My darling little angel was due this Saturday. The closer it gets the more I lose my composure. I can't even pretend to be ok anymore. What is the point? Just the thought of everything that I lost, made me break down last night. Two hours of hysterics of a child I never even saw or felt. I don't want to feel this sadness and despair anymore but now consuming my being everyday. I have lost hope in everything.
