Thinking it out

While shuffling through my day at home, I realized that my emotional baggage is weighing me down.  There is so much to life that I can find joy in.  There are things that make me happy and fulfilled. Yes, wanting a child is something that is overwhelming at the moment.  But ever since I have felt that loss, I am obsessed with it.  I see a child/pregnant woman and I am filled with overwhelming sadness or psychotic anger.  While I believe in the mantra "I am not mad at them, but just sad for myself", I also think that on some level anyone who thinks that is kidding themselves.  We are mad that they have what we want.  We are jealous.
I am tired of being that woman.  I have had my time to wallow.  I have been is a perpetual state of misery for months now.  I need more than anything to remember that for everything there is a season.  I may be in a winter, but soon the spring will come.

Lets start to get this out

There has to be a limit of trials that you go through.  I have lost what I feel was the last bit of my sanity when they turned me into ceviche.  Or maybe it wasn't even my sanity, but hope that was stolen from me and my inability to change anything is what makes me feel insane.
On Saturday I had hope that I would soon be at zero and we be able to get things going so we could finally expand our family.  On Monday, I was trying to find optimism in my worst nightmare.
My right tube held the ectopic that we could never find with any ultrasound.  We did everything they asked us to avoid that exact situation but it came anyway.  I was in the ER Saturday night and admitted for observation in the early hours of Monday.  My levels continued to drop until my last blood draw.  It went up a tiny bit and my shoulder began to hurt through the morphine.  I knew then, before any doctor told me, that this day would not end with me going home to a happily ever after.  The Dr came in and explained it to my family and I just sat there  praying for it to be in my tummy somewhere. When they went in they found a liter of blood in my abdomen and my tube ripped open.    They took it.  They took what I thought was my "good tube".  She then ran a dye test on my left tube.  There was scar tissue from my last surgery (that was only 7 months ago) that is blocking that tube.
Two options remain for me.  Two options to carry my own child.  One is another surgery to try and repair my tube, but I will not not the details on that till my post op.  The other is in vitro. How am I going to find that much money to try and conceive a child?  While I have been dealing with this well so far, I feel all of these emotions coming to the surface.  I wish I could hide from everything.

How do downed in air?

I don't think anyone sees it coming.  That false sense of sanity and acceptance was something that I had faith in.  It made me believe that because I had a plan and an outlook for the future that it was all OK.  I have had bad moments and difficult days, but not the loss of stability I have been going through.  I have a hard time putting into words the chaos that I feel my life is in.  I feel like every time I breath in the weight of everything that has/is going on compresses my being.  The weight of it all makes me unable to keep breathing.
I wish that the loss of that little something was the only thing weighing on my mind.  I hate feeling like I have spent so much of my life in a perpetual downward slide.  Perpetual slide may be a bit of an over statement, but it feels like the moment you dig out you find that something else has buried you.  I can deal with my dysfunctional reproductive system, but that really should all I have to.  I know that is life.  There is no escaping it, but I find myself with the guilt that my husband horse is hitched to a wagon with square wheels.  He is the only thing that has been holding me together.  He does not have to, but he does.  Why does such a loving strong man want to spend eternity stuck with me?
My darling husband sat next to me while I had my little meltdown and was so calm and loving.  He cared without fully understanding the chaos I had engulfed myself in.  He made me realize that we always were going  to be stronger together than we are apart.  His faith in us gives me hope in our future.  While today me suck, there is always tomorrow.
Here is to tomorrow.

PS: More blood work tomorrow.   wohoo?

Whatever may come I am not alone

My husband bears the burden of our trials so well, I sometimes forget that he is going through this too.  He is so supportive that I am in awe of his love and strength.  I know that he is not dealing with his pain out loud because he is too busy taking care of me.  He tries to hard to keep me busy and not let me drowned.  This time it is not the grief, but the anger that seems to be taking over me.  I have so much support that talking about is coming easy.  All of my coworkers know and I talk about it at will at work.  My family all know and check on me often.  In the past, I hid it all away.  That caused me so much pain, because I thought that everyone forgot what we lost and never cared to begin with. I realize now if you are not willing to bring it up, no one else will either.   If I own my love and happiness, I should own my pain and grief in the same way.

Survived week one (again)

I took all of last week off to heal my wounded heart.  My betas only went up to 6500 and they knew that it was another ectopic. The decision to take the shots were the hardest part.  While I knew I had the
"choice", we knew there was no other option.  To wait and see (which was what I wanted to do more than anything), would not have only risked my future fertility but also my life.  That was not an experience that I was ready to relive. Physically this has been easy, too easy.  Part of me wanted physical pain to match the way the rest of me felt.  

I have spent the past week avoiding myself.  I have talked about it, but every other moment I have had, I spent avoiding it.  I have cleaned this place top to bottom and rearranged a couple of rooms.  I know why I am doing this, but I also know I can only run for so long.  Tomorrow I have work, which I am dreading.  I have to come up with an explanation as to why I am not still in training and I am at the point that I don't want to avoid it or lie.  If I did, the only people that I would be protecting is everyone else.  So THEY don't have to be uncomfortable? I can't think of any other reason.    

So, I take another step forward in this journey not knowing where it may lead.  I hope peace comes soon to me and my wonderful husband.  

FX for low betas on Tuesday and a plan next Monday.