Whatever may come I am not alone

My husband bears the burden of our trials so well, I sometimes forget that he is going through this too.  He is so supportive that I am in awe of his love and strength.  I know that he is not dealing with his pain out loud because he is too busy taking care of me.  He tries to hard to keep me busy and not let me drowned.  This time it is not the grief, but the anger that seems to be taking over me.  I have so much support that talking about is coming easy.  All of my coworkers know and I talk about it at will at work.  My family all know and check on me often.  In the past, I hid it all away.  That caused me so much pain, because I thought that everyone forgot what we lost and never cared to begin with. I realize now if you are not willing to bring it up, no one else will either.   If I own my love and happiness, I should own my pain and grief in the same way.

Survived week one (again)

I took all of last week off to heal my wounded heart.  My betas only went up to 6500 and they knew that it was another ectopic. The decision to take the shots were the hardest part.  While I knew I had the
"choice", we knew there was no other option.  To wait and see (which was what I wanted to do more than anything), would not have only risked my future fertility but also my life.  That was not an experience that I was ready to relive. Physically this has been easy, too easy.  Part of me wanted physical pain to match the way the rest of me felt.  

I have spent the past week avoiding myself.  I have talked about it, but every other moment I have had, I spent avoiding it.  I have cleaned this place top to bottom and rearranged a couple of rooms.  I know why I am doing this, but I also know I can only run for so long.  Tomorrow I have work, which I am dreading.  I have to come up with an explanation as to why I am not still in training and I am at the point that I don't want to avoid it or lie.  If I did, the only people that I would be protecting is everyone else.  So THEY don't have to be uncomfortable? I can't think of any other reason.    

So, I take another step forward in this journey not knowing where it may lead.  I hope peace comes soon to me and my wonderful husband.  

FX for low betas on Tuesday and a plan next Monday.  

I still don't belong

I have found support in the past in a place that I visit daily. I love the women there and I know that they all would understand where I am coming from, but I feel like I should not be there.  I am not TTCAL or in the middle of my loss because it has not happened yet.  I don't feel that I can graduate, because at any moment I will have to leave.  I hate that I feel lost in a place that has been such a source of comfort and strength.  What is strange is I am not sure anyone really has noticed I have been "gone".
The results of my last blood test has not brought us any comfort.   It went from 4300 to 5300.  This caused them to pull myself out of training for more blood tests and to meet with the on call OB.  She wants me to have that d@mn shot.  We agreed to give it one more day, but she will not let me wait to come in on Thursday when I have an ultrasound scheduled.  I know that there is little to no hope that my betas will have doubled and that there is no other option at that point, but this is my last second Hail Mary.
I don't want to have to say goodbye to another LO.  I am not sure I have it in me.

Fear of Monday.

This morning I could not wait for tomorrow to come.  I spent the night dreaming of what could be.  I have tried to hold on to those feelings and hope all weekend, but now I feel the fear and sorrow setting in.  I have hoped and prayed that we will get good news, but there is part of me that I am not so sure.  I will fall asleep knowing I will wake up in the morning getting information that will give me the highest high or the lowest low...and then I have to go to work.

Details Details

I got my #s back from my first betas.  The news was not good.  I was in the 4300s.  This is way too high because of how far along they think I am and the fact that we could not see anything on the ultrasound.  It is most likely an ectopic or miscarriage.  My doctor wants me to treat myself like I am still KU because she thinks it is possible that my #s are high because off something like multiples.  It is a shot in the dark, but how exciting would that be.  I will not know for sure until Monday.